The 10 Worst Toys of All Time

An anti-gift giving guide

Folks, the internet is a weird place. Kind of like a dumpster at a Gathering of the Juggalos: trashy, but fascinating.

Sometimes I like to dive into that dumpster, rummage around, and see what gems I can find. And after some such sleuthing, I came up with this list of toys you definitely should not buy anyone this holiday season.

(You’re welcome)

10. Gotta Go Turdle

See what they did there?

Ever wonder what a robot’s poop would look like? Wonder no more. Meet Shelbert, the Gotta Go Turdle.

Not only will Shelbert happily guzzle disturbing quantities of a suspiciously fluorescent, and not-at-all-cancer-causing powder, he excitedly sings about pooping while pooping. Cute!

Part of the game is that he starts to squirm jussssttt as he’s about to shoot hot pink poo-poo out of his animatronic anus. Tee hee!

But what if your three-year-old doesn’t take the wriggling hint? That’s okay, the turdle will just let it rip. Anywhere, everywhere, doesn’t matter to Shelbert! This turdle will happily crap cancer dust all over your living room rug, front yard, or sleeping labradoodle.

The best part? After Shelbert performatively dumps in front of your child, you’re supposed to feed it back to him. Thought this was about potty training? Wrong. This is about de-colonizing generational kink-shaming, people.

Stand tall, future Poo Eaters of America.

$49.99 — Wal-Mart

9. Hand Blasters

“Explodes safely in your hand!”

What could possibly be unsafe about a toy demonstrated by a man wearing eye protection? Standing in front of a periodic table. And a fire blanket.

With fun disclaimers like it smells “like burning,” and don’t use it with kids who “are, uh, a little bit asthma sensitive” because of the “sulfur fume,” this toy was Destined For Greatness.

Wait, what’s that? Children were hospitalized with burns and it was recalled? Because smashing two chemically reactive balls together in your hands isn’t smart? For children?

Weird.

Who could have seen that coming?

.99 cents — Recalled

8. Aqua Dots

Aqua Dots is its street name

What could be more fun than building a tiny pony out of tiny dots? Eating the pony and getting high as fuck.

That’s right kids, some genius at the Aqua Dot laboratory thought it would be a great idea to include the muscle relaxant GHB —used by dumb ravers and seedy Dutch club promoters— as an ingredient in these very-easy-to-eat but totally-doesn’t-look-like-candy, brightly colored beads.

Please don’t ever give these to your children.

Unless you’re trying to kill them for the insurance money. Then it’s actually kind of a smart move.

(Okay, so if you feed them diet soda first, the aspartame acts as a catalyst that… you know what, never mind).

$29.95 — Amsterdam’s Red Light District, ask for Jorg

7. Face Bank

Whatever this is, I hate it.

I feel like I had my consciousness uploaded into a computer game and encountered a money-hungry, 4th dimensional shape-shifting lizard.

What’s so unsettling about this thing is that it somehow looks both evil and completely helpless at the same time. I don’t know whether to douse it in gasoline and set it on fire, or see if it needs a hug and a ride home.

Regardless, the inadvertent comedy of its online branding is too good not to highlight:

$15.99 — Amazon

6. The Water Wiggle

Who hasn’t experienced that terrifying moment when a garden hose gets loose and starts flailing around violently like an erratic sea monster? And who hasn’t then thought to themselves “Fun! Grab the kids!”

You see, if you put a cutesy quasi-penile face on that whipping tentacle, it becomes a toyyyyyyy. And nothing could ever go wrong. Never ever ever.

Sorry, what’s that? It killed a bunch of kids and got banned? Shocker.

(Okay, but seriously, 4 ounces of diet Coke, a tablespoon of Aqua Dots, and then let ‘em play with this thing for an hour— you’ll be cashing out those life insurance policies faster than you can say Lake House)

$3.50 — Recalled

5. The Swing Wing

This 1960’s flop provided hours of embarrassment to all of the sheltered children of the sixties.

Yes, while little Bobby’s babysitter was busy taking LSD, refusing to shave her armpits, and practicing free love in the back of a VW, he was in the yard desperately trying to get her attention… with his superior Swing Wing abilities.

Sadly, no one, not even Bobby’s stoned babysitter, had the heart to tell him that he looked like an idiot. Except his father, who told him that all the time anyway. (Different era).

If you’d like your children to develop a complex, or possibly be involuntarily celibate, then this is a great gift.

$ unknown — eBay

4. Little Miss No Name

Also during the 1960’s, on the other end of the spectrum, was this morose guilt trip of a toy. From the package:

I need someone to love me
I want to learn to play
please take me home with you
and brush my tear away

Wow. Such fun.

Maybe after we play with little-miss-rain-cloud we can spend the afternoon volunteering to trap and neuter stray cats. And then kill ourselves.

$479.99 — eBay

3. The Creeping Doll of 1871

Creeping is right, this thing is terrifying.

It is hard to imagine a time and place in which ANYONE would have thought this was cute. Or fun. Or not literally possessed by the devil.

Shit must have been going so wrong in the world, the ambient levels of awful must have been so high, like dead bodies in the street, like no one over 30 has any of their teeth, like the plague made you an orphan and you have to collect the coal that falls off a horse-drawn carriage to earn your keep at the orphanage. In that context, maybe —maybe— this thing was cute.

In all other contexts, this demonic wind-up baby in Black Face is pure nightmare fuel, and probably an instrument of satan.

$ Your Soul — a haunted mansion somewhere in the south

2. Yellies

You know what sounds Really Great and not-at-all annoying? A toy powered by the screams of children.

Got some other parents you want to friend-breakup with, but don’t know how? This. This is your salvation. Just keep giving their child this gift, over and over. There are 12 kinds! It won’t take long before you are no longer invited to anything, ever. Maybe by anyone. So, be careful, this is the nuclear button of passive-aggressive conflict avoidance.

1. You Can Shave The Baby

I just… can’t.

What is even happening here?

I have so many questions.

First, does the hair grow back? Or is this a single-use shaving baby? (Wasteful). How do you shave it? Does it come with actual razors? (Dangerous). What is this cro-magnon body hair pattern? Is this what the Asian manufacturer thinks white babies look like? (Racist).

Okay, so, yes we can shave the baby, but should we shave the baby? Why? WHY ARE WE SHAVING THE BABY?

If you have answers, I want to hear them in the comment section.

$ Priceless — the attic of a little old Asian lady

And there you have it friends, the top ten worst toys of all time. Please don’t buy any of these for anyone for any reason. Please, think of the insurance payout, I mean the children. Think of the children. And that lake house.

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Special thanks to

Mike Pesca

for the hours of emotional labor that went into helping me choose which a.i. Gritty image to use for this anti-gift giving guide. Not that it took long to pick, I’m just assuming it spawned recurring nightmares requiring at least three therapy sessions to unpack. Michael, you’re a mensch buddy. What’s that, you have a present for my kids? Yellies… you shouldn’t have.